My wife spent years in higher education earning a PhD and has since helped improve the lives of countless people with PTSD and other mental health issues. I spent high school skipping as many classes as I could to read old Rolling Stone magazines, and have since written hundreds of articles about Kiss.
We have overlapping but certainly not identical musical tastes, and after taking her to one live Kiss show I’ve mostly left her alone about the group. But I have learned that after a particularly tough day there’s nothing that cheers her up more than watching a captioned YouTube video of an overly horny song from the band’s makeup-free ’80s and ’90s era.
“This isn’t real! They didn’t really say that, right?,” she’ll say in between fits of uncontrolled laughter, as Gene Simmons compares a woman’s body to a stick of butter, a glove or a fireplace. “You had this made up, or somebody else did it as a parody?”
Here are 7 of the dumbest Kiss lyrics, as chosen by my wife:
“Uh! All Night”From: Asylum (1985)
Sample lyric: “Well we work all day / And we don’t know why / Well there’s just one thing that money can’t buy / When you’re body’s starved, feed your appetite / When you work all day you gotta Uh! all night.”
The part where they just say “Uh!” over and over gets her every time. I’m not sure she could even survive watching the actual video, which at one point features an army of scantily clad blondes dancing in formation while pushing around rolling beds complete with flashing red lights.
Read More: 10 Worst Kiss Songs
“Spit”From: Revenge (1992)
Sample lyric: “Hot damn and lord above, I want a lotta woman with a lot of love / Well thin is in but it’s plain to see / It don’t mean spit to me / I need big hips, sweet lips / Make a man out of me / The bigger the cushion, the better the pushin’ – most definitely”
I’ve tried to convince my wife that Kiss might actually on the right side of the thin line between clever and stupid this time out, not only openly and unironically quoting Spinal Tap’s “Big Bottom” but also taking a stand against conventional beauty standards. Yeah, she didn’t fall for it either.
“(You Make Me) Rock Hard”From: Smashes, Thrashes & Hits (1988)
Sample lyric: “You make me sweat, you turn me ’round / You get me up, you never let me down / You make rock hard, baby all night / Love’s like a glove and it fits just right.”
Upon hearing this, the wife suggested that Paul Stanley’s license to use similes be taken away immediately. There are only two new songs on Kiss’ 1988 greatest hits compilation, and amazingly this one has the least embarrassing lyrics. As with “Uh! All Night,” I’m saving a screening of the actual trapeze-themed video for a day in the future where she really needs cheering up.
“Fits Like a Glove”From: Lick It Up (1983)
Sample lyric: “Cause when I go through her, it’s just like a hot knife through butter / Ooh yeah / Baby, baby, guess you win the prize / Maybe, baby, where the sun never shines.”
“Gross. Gross, gross, gross. Get away from me. Sit on the other sofa.” And that was without even hearing the live version, where Simmons really stretches out every bit of the line, with extra grunts and dramatic pauses.
“Let’s Put the X in Sex”From: Smashes, Thrashes & Hits (1988)
Sample lyric: “She said she knew my secrets / But I didn’t have a clue / Then I saw those black lace panties and I knew that it was you / Baby let’s put the X in sex / Love’s like a muscle and you make me want to flex”
Truth be told, my wife has never stopped laughing long enough to explain exactly how she feels about this Penthouse letter set to music, beyond a quick “so this is their attempt at a Robert Palmer video?”
“Burn Bitch Burn”From: Animalize (1984)
Sample lyric: “Oh babe, I wanna put my log in your fireplace.”
About 15 years ago I accidentally touched my mother-in-law’s butt. Long story, we don’t need to get into it here. It is, deservedly, the thing for which I am most often mocked at family gatherings. But ever since she heard this – her all-time favorite dumb Kiss lyric – the laughter and wise cracks that erupt from my wife whenever I go near any fireplace or fire pit is a close second: “Feeling horny, are we?”
“Just a Boy”From: Music From ‘The Elder’ (1981)
Complete lyrics: “Who steers the ship through the stormy sea? / If hope is lost, then so are we / While some eyes search for one to guide us / Some are staring at me / But I’m no hero / Though I wish I could be / For I am just a boy / Too young to be sailing / I am just a boy / And my future’s unveiling / And I’m so frightened of failing / While some eyes search for one to guide us / Some are staring at me.”
“Never mind, I take it all back they should just sing about sex and nothing else.”
BONUS MOM VOTE: “I Just Wanna”From: Revenge (1992)
Sample lyric: “I don’t want a romance, I just want to dance, I just want to for, I just want to for, I just want to forget you”
The summer after I graduated college (a miracle, admittedly!), weeks before I moved to New York City to begin my adult life, my normally very calm mother ran into my room ready to destroy my stereo because of this song. She thought Paul Stanley was singing “I just want to f— at you.” When I told her that didn’t make any sense, she pointed out that very little of the music I listened to had an overabundance of logic, but agreed not to cause any property damage as long as she never had to hear this particular track ever again.
Kiss Solo Albums Ranked Worst to Best
Counting down solo albums released by various members of Kiss.
Gallery Credit: Matthew Wilkening
