You’ll want to avoid these 10 metal Christmas songs if you’re looking to host a warm, cheerful gathering for your family this year.
Nothing sends your loved ones right back out the front door than lyrics about Santa, strippers and axe murders.
Then again, maybe getting your family out of your house is what you really want for Christmas this year. Who are we to judge?
READ MORE: Five Most Cringeworthy Rock + Metal Songs About Sports
Here are 10 metal songs not to play in front of your family on Christmas (unless you really want them to leave).
Corey Taylor, “X-M@$”
Lyrics That Will Make Your Family Leave:
“If I ain’t drunk then it ain’t Christmas / You know where to stick those jingle bells / If I ain’t hammered, it ain’t Hanukkah / And all you motherfuckers go to hell.”
Steel Panther, “Sexy Santa”
Lyrics That Will Make Your Family Leave:
“In the back of his sleigh, he’s got some hoe hoe hoe’s / They’re lickin’ eggnog drippin’ from his firehose / He traded little Prancer for an exotic dancer / Yeah, you can see his North Pole if you look at his pants-a / He’s got a bitchin’ red suit and he’s totally buff / He’ll come to your house if you got a stocking to stuff.”
King Diamond, “No Presents For Christmas”
Lyrics That Will Make Your Family Leave:
“There’s no presents, not this Christmas / There’s no presents / Tom and Jerry, drinking Sherry / They don’t give a damn.”
Ice Nine Kills, “Merry Axe-Mass”
Lyrics That Will Make Your Family Leave:
“‘Twas the night before Christmas / At just five years old / My parents were butchered / In the blistering cold / He seemed jolly at first / In his suit stained with red / He let out a laugh / But then left us for dead.”
Amon Amarth, “Viking Christmas”
Lyrics That Will Make Your Family Leave:
“Officially we despise any of those Christian customs / But in secrecy we can’t flee the Christmas spell / I bet you can’t imagine how sentimental we can be: 5 bearded vikings reenact the nativity scene.”
“Lacuna Coil, “Naughty Christmas”
Lyrics That Will Make Your Family Leave:
“He’s inside in the house / Looking for my room / Someone drank the glass of milk / That I’ve put on the floor / Have I been so bad / Santa will not bring me gifts and… / Krampus will come / What is this noise on my door?”
Type O Negative, “Red Water (Christmas Mourning)”
Lyrics That Will Make Your Family Leave:
“Wake up, it’s Christmas mourn / Those loved have long since gone / The stockings are hung but who cares / Preserved for those no longer there / Six feet beneath me sleep.”
Set It Off, “This Christmas (I’ll Burn It To The Ground)”
Lyrics That Will Make Your Family Leave:
“Oh my God, it’s here, this awful time of year / How I hate the snow is falling / Wealthy neighbors bragging about the gifts they’re getting / Hey Jack! They say, let me take a guess now! You’re getting K-Mart clothes again! / And then, I had a revelation! / This is my chance to sew their lips clean shut with fear.”
GWAR, “Stripper Christmas Summer Weekend”
Lyrics That Will Make Your Family Leave:
“‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the club (Oh yeah, oh yeah) / Was the sound of bikers moaning as their crotches got rubbed (Oh yeah, oh yeah) / Come on, baby, hey / Stripper Christmas summer weekend every day / She liked heavy metal like her head was a hole (Oh yeah, oh yeah) / And they played heavy metal and she spun on a pole (Oh yeah, oh yeah).”
Green Jelly, “Green Jelly Xmas”
Lyrics That Will Make Your Family Leave:
“Jingle bells my stealing elves are reindeer and my sleigh / Jingle bells, my prostate smells your chick pissed on my leg.”
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