Leaves changing and temperatures dropping can quickly transform the desire to couple up into the urge to shack up. While it can feel like the right, romantic move at the moment, the decision to house a partner sooner than later, particularly in the midst of cuffing season, can leave some Black women with regrets – and footing the bill for someone referring to them as “big money.”
According to the Journal of Family and Economic Issues, “Matters of convenience largely drive adoption of joint household financial practices as a means to decrease transaction costs of everyday living.” Seeking that convenience can make some propose cohabitation sooner than expected as an opportunity to get relief from rising housing costs and other debts. This phenomenon of women moving fine freeloaders into their spaces is so common that a TikTok trend features videos referring to it as a life-changing “cannon event.”
Not interested in extending your new boo a free ride? We asked experts how to maintain a budding relationship without adding a name to your lease.
The key to making it clear that you don’t want to share your space with someone is being direct. Vagueness doesn’t work. “One of my favorite mantras is that clarity is kindness. The goal is not to be nice,” says Ce Anderson, a licensed psychotherapist and trauma recovery expert. “Women are often conditioned to be nice so that they don’t hurt people’s feelings, and when we do so, we risk not being clear, and so we’re miscommunicating.”
She adds, “The adult you just met should not be looking to you as a means for their survival. If you are asking me to be the solution, that is not support.”
Psychiatric nurse practitioner Akos Antwi says many women grapple with guilt when navigating these types of relationships. They worry saying no in situations like this will leave them lonely. “They’re at a certain position, and they feel like they don’t want to lose out on the relationship,” she says.
That worry intensifies during certain times of the year, like the winter months. Arts psychotherapist Kate Hertweck, LCAT, says cuffing season “can cause pressure to quickly settle into a relationship and falsely speed up the natural intimacy-building process, leading to a loop of confusion and unhealthy patterns.”
For example, not all attempts to cohabit are accompanied by a conversation. Sometimes, a forgotten PS5 becomes a dresser drawer with a few clothes moved in, and then becomes a change of address form before you know what hit you. We all watched Miranda find herself horrified that Steve wouldn’t go home in Sex and the City.
Antwi recommends acknowledging stealth attempts to move in sooner rather than later. “If it’s happening and you’re not wanting it, you have to enforce that boundary immediately as soon as you’ve noticed it.”
Anderson agrees. “If you have this person in your space for the majority of the week, there’s a precedent and an expectation that you’ve already set, even if you didn’t realize it.”
Experts say it’s also important to have boundaries that make each party responsible for contributing to resources so no one feels taken advantage of. Speak on it.
“Have the conversations early on that ensure that each person contributes equally, and it’s fair,” Antwi says. “If you wait until it’s too late, it’s hard to kind of turn back around and then say, you know, you’re not paying for this much, and I’m paying for more.”
If you’re unsure about whether or not the person you’re dating is trying to cuddle up next to you too soon or come up by living in your space, you can find out by clocking how they react to your enforced boundaries. If your “no” is met with accusations and pushback, that’s a problem.
“Manipulation tactics and ultimatums are definitely not a sign of a healthy relationship,” says Cyd Young, LCSW. “If the person is attempting to make you the First Bank of ‘Bae,’ that is a red flag,” Anderson adds.
She suggests paying close attention not only to the signs but also to what comes out of their mouth to avoid being bulldozed into a cohabitation situation just to keep the fire going during the cold season. “If a person, especially in the beginning of a relationship, is saying things like, ‘If you really cared about me, then you would help,’ they, maybe, have a pattern of being a codependent person or a user.”
