“Age Ain’t Nothing but a Number” became a cultural refrain long before we were ready to interrogate what it actually meant—especially for Black girls. Now, I know in our culture we have energized the notion that some of our girls are “fast.” So, to people who think like that, Aaliyah was immediately blamed for everything she endured. However, the truth is, the song was written and produced by Robert Kelly for Aaliyah, and to me, the message is LOUD and CLEAR AF.
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When the late Aaliyah sang those lyrics, she was a teenager navigating adult spaces in an industry where boundaries and lines were often blurred and power was rarely questioned. Since her passing, her name has remained central in conversations about age, consent, and the men who allegedly had romantic access to her while she was underage or barely legal.
And even today, these extremely necessary conversations are uncomfortable, questionable and problematic for many. However, in my opinion, Aaliyah like many young Black girls was groomed into a lifestyle that she was not mentally or emotionally mature enough to fully understand or escape.
Aaliyah’s life and career have always been accompanied by public scrutiny surrounding her alleged relationships with significantly older men, specifically R. Kelly. We have all seen, heard or read the stories about R. Kelly allegedly marrying Aaliyah in 1994 when she was only 15 years old. At the time of the marriage, he was 27 years old and posing as her mentor.
There are many accounts like the ones seen in the Surviving R. Kelly Documentary in which individuals claimed to have seen the couple’s inappropriate relationship. Accounts in which adults saw a 15-year-old child being violated physically, manipulated and groomed but choose not to do or say anything. Now—because mouths were closed when Aaliyah needed support—folks took issue with a child chasing a dream instead of the fact that several of Aaliyah’s relationships were with men much older than her.
Legality, age gaps, and power dynamics all should have come into question in Aaliyah’s case but they did not at the time. While today critics question how a young girl—talented, ambitious, and still developing—could be expected to navigate relationships with grown powerful men—also including Jay-Z and Dame Dash—men who were more than 10 years older than her, who had already lived full lives, accumulated influence, and controlled access to opportunities she desired. People chose to take the Helen Keller approach— deaf, blind, and mute.
Dame Dash was in a very public relationship with Aaliyah. Over the years he has been vocal about his love for her. Dash even refers to her as his soulmate and love of his life. He was even vocal about his disdain for R. Kelly’s relationship with Aaliyah. He has also addressed the rumors that the beef between him and his then-homeboy and business partner Jay-Z beef is partial about her. And these conversations make me and many others side eye HOV because it shows a pattern when you consider the 12-year age difference between him and his now wife Beyoncé, because at his big age and with his power and popularity, why wasn’t he pursuing women his age?
To be clear: These discussions are rooted in allegations, media reporting, and public timelines, not facts with supporting receipts. But allegations matter—especially when they reveal obvious patterns that extend far beyond one person. Yes, Aaliyah’s story exposes the behavior specific to individuals, but it also reveals a broader cultural comfort with older men dating much younger girls and women, particularly in industries where fame, money, and mentorship create inherent imbalance that leaves our girls at an unfair disadvantage. When a teenager is positioned as “mature for her age,” or “fast,” folks call survival for consent. Case and sharp ass point, Diddy and Cassie. Another situation where a young girl found herself in a traumatic situation with an older man—17 years to be exact— who abused her physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually.
No, grooming is not always like Cassie’s experience—violent or obvious. It’s often presented as access, affirmation, and attention. It pretends to be love but the intentions are cruel. Boundaries slowly erode under the guise of care or opportunity. And it thrives in spaces where girls are taught to feel grateful for being chosen, rather than protected and respected due to their age.
Listen, STOP mistaking proximity for choice. And STOP denying Black girls the presumption of innocence that should otherwise protect them from creepy men and bad behavior. Black girls are especially vulnerable because we are routinely seen as older, stronger, and more sexually aware and active than we are. That belief becomes permission. These attitudes are how grooming hides in plain sight. Honestly, it is not even hidden. You see it you just choose not to address it because, God forbid, you be loud and right for once or ruffle the feathers of a mofo you see as powerful, popular or who you love.
The recently relased files show that Black girls were excluded from the pedophilia that underage girls endured at the hands of Jeffrey Epstein, President Trump and other powerful men. An obvious truth many women already knew is that powerful men often operate with the understanding that they have immunity, while young girls and women are mistreated, silenced, and disposed of. The Epstein case did not introduce a new problem. It just confirmed a long-standing problem that has hid in private spaces among the elite where power is unchecked and where victims are treated like they are nothing.
Ish like this pains me personally because I grew up being sexualized by older men and molested in my home. Not because I invited it, but because my body developed early and the world decided that meant I was “ready,” “willing,” and “wanted it. I was not fast. I was a little girl with a mature body but a child’s mind. And they were grown ass men.Oh, and like Aaliyah and many other Black girls, I learned early that my discomfort did not matter more then perverted men’s desires.
The truth is that age is more than a number. From my perspective, romantic relationships should involve no more than a 10-year age gap—especially for women and girls under 30 years of age. My logic is not that love is impossible across generations, but because power is unavoidable. You cannot unlearn life lessons. Experiences will always shape you. Most of all, the lack of time these relationships allow women and girls to become will forever leave them at a deficit.
Older men have lived, failed, healed, and formed expectations. Younger women and girls—are still discovering who they are. When those realities collide, it is always the younger person who is forced to adjust, compromise, grow up too fast, and attempt to view life through a lense they cannot properly see through.
When older men consistently prey on significantly younger partners, it is fair to ask why women their own age are not their preference. That question is accountability not the assumption that they are guilty of something ungodly—although oftentimes they are. However, if we are serious about protecting Black girls, we must stop romanticizing and energizing imbalances and start interrogating these dynamics. Grooming does not only happen in shadows. It happens in studios, families, churches, and communities by men who are admired, defended, and excused.
Aaliyah was not wrong. She was not problematic. None of us are. She sang those lyrics and lived a life forced on her because the culture around her taught her that she had to in order to live her dream. The people around her—onlookers who failed to challenge power failed her to.
So yes, you are damn right, age is more than a number, it is experience, leverage, and power. And until we are honest about that, Black girls will continue to pay the price for a world that refuses to protect them.
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