I remember wanting to be like the confident guys with impeccable pecs, broad shoulders, six-pack abs, and slim, toned legs. I recall an instance during gym class in middle school when I was changing in the locker room, minding my own business. I was surrounded by guys who seemed like they were born in the gym. I couldn’t relate.
In 2019, I regularly went to the gym, working at Crunch Fitness, Soul Cycle, and others where I tried to achieve this “ideal” look. I learned from the best personal trainers and exercised with them to achieve their level of fitness. I hit the ground running with my toned stomach, thick muscular legs, and Megan Thee Stallion-like booty.
After COVID-19 hit, I found myself abruptly returning home to New Jersey, thinking it would only be for a few weeks but it turned into a few years. I lost my job and stopped working out due to the indoor mandate to prevent the spread of the coronavirus. I didn’t have access to the gym or enough space to follow workout videos on YouTube, so I decided to take a break from fitness. As a result, I overate and fell into severe depression.
Like most people during this time, I craved my mom’s cooking and ate a lot of takeout food. I didn’t care what I ate since I was still looking snatched. However, weeks went on, and I gained weight, which led me to constantly shop for clothes bigger than my usual size.
After I received the vaccination, I went to the gym like a regular person, but every time I worked out, I kept gaining more weight. I decided to change gyms to get inspired by other fit people. Instead, I was comparing myself and was so set on losing weight to become the person I once was.
Around that time, I took several New York City trips for work and to see friends. That said, I also decided to take a trip down memory lane at Crunch Fitness to visit my former personal trainers. “Wow, you’re thick,” one personal trainer said. “Damn, your legs are huge,” another, amongst many other backhanded compliments thrown my way, said.
After the NYC visits, I went home to Men’s Wearhouse to try on tuxedos for two summer weddings, and once I showed my mom how I looked, I saw her eyes tighten. When I returned from the weddings, my mom pulled me aside and said she noticed I had gained a ton of weight coming back to the States. That following day, it was hard for me to get in the car to go grab lunch. When I returned home with carryout, my father looked at the bag, laughed, and said, “you’re going to keep getting fat from eating all that food.”
It felt as though I wasn’t being taken seriously as a person. Several friends changed up on me. Jobs didn’t want to hire me. My girlfriends told me that I was still the same person with the weight gain, but I felt like I was somebody I had never known before.
After I decided to change up my diet, I started to see the results I was looking for in the gym. I did notice that my former roommates treated me differently after the weight loss and that men approached me like never before (although I admit, I’ve never gone on a date or been in a relationship).
However, I was still depressed because I was still people pleasing. It didn’t feel like I was doing all of this for me. It took therapy to make me realize I was still following society’s expectations. I was comparing my body to my previous self and comparing myself to body pics of other men.
But, I know I wasn’t alone in this. According to the National Library of Medicine, gay men face more body issues than straight men. No matter the size, we often feel like we’re not good enough and many over-fetishize body physiques– thanks to what we consume on our feeds and beyond.
Additionally, being in the community comes with pressure to “look the part”: be it showing up as your unique self, dressing in fashionable clothes, having glowing skin, or serving body. But abiding to these standards wasn’t sustainable for me.
Instead, accepting my curves and rocking them with pride has been important, too. This journey of loving my body has been accompanied by a good body care routine as well, including using favorites like Body by TPH Softer Than No Otha Body Butter and The Wind Down Body Wash, which boost my confidence.
But beyond the products, I’ve learned that the most powerful tool on my self-love journey has been learning how to create my own beauty standards. To protect my peace and mental health, I’ve started to look at my body as a piece of art. That said, working out is now more about how it makes me feel, rather than how I look.
