Adrianne Michelle Spain is an Atlanta-based pastor who Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta fans may be familiar with. She is also the mother of popular online personality and artist Saucy Santana, born Rashad Jamiyl Spain.
The pastor and television personality is sharing her story, detailing her trauma, in a new spiritual memoir titled, “Girl, Breathe Again!” The book, which was published in September, explores some of the most challenging details of Spain’s life and her renewed relationship with God, characterized by healing and forgiveness.
One of the most riveting aspects of the new memoir is where Spain documents her experience with sexual abuse at a young age by a next-door neighbor.
“It happened for me at such a young age,” she says of the sexual abuse. “It happened when I was an adolescent, but I didn’t share it until almost going to college and it was a big burden. But once I released it, I just got so freed from it.”
Spain’s experience with abuse ultimately impacted the way she parented her children–she has three, including Santana. It led to the mother and author becoming overprotective, but it didn’t prevent the past from repeating itself.
“It still was a repeat in my child’s life–what happened with me. And so I think the open lines of communication is very important. Talking with your kids, letting them know that there is a safe space,” she says.
Saucy Santana, 31, experienced sexual abuse as a child, which he discussed with Adrianne earlier this year during an episode of Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta. The rapper was groomed and abused by his cousin between the ages of 9-16.
Spain has endured many challenges as an individual and a mother, which she documents in the memoir. What she doesn’t touch on but discusses with ESSENCE is the challenges that come with parenting a gay child. It takes copious amounts of courage to be authentic, especially when it could lead to rejection from the people you love the most. This was the case for Santana when he disclosed that he was gay to Adrianne. About 7.6% of U.S adults identify as LGTBQ+, according to 2023 Gallup telephone surveys.
“I wasn’t ready for that. I had different thoughts and dreams of what I thought my son’s life would look like,” she tells ESSENCE.
Spain admits she wasn’t accepting initially and expresses remorse for how she reacted to Santana’s truth. However, she has found a way for his sexual orientation, her expectations as a mother, and her faith to coexist peacefully.
“When I could not accept my son, I wasn’t walking in my walk with Christ,” she explains. “I had fallen away. And so when he came out to me, I was the opposite. I had no love, no compassion, no understanding. But once I turned back to the father, I could love him how God would love him. So I really see him, you know, whole, you know, through the eyes of God, and that’s how I love him now. And I’m so glad I was able to embrace Rashad before he became Santana because it wasn’t that stardom that, you know, put me on a different path with my child.”
Rejection has been the experience of many people within the LGBTQ+ community over the years after coming out. In extreme cases, being themselves has cost them their lives. That said, most people have become more accepting, but one in four reported recent discrimination according to a 2024 probability-based Gallup Panel™ survey.
Nowadays, the mother-son duo attend church together and are ‘best friends,’ but it took time and understanding to get to that point. The pastor said one of the turning points for her was Santana saying he’d rather live in the world than in her home.
“…That hurt to the core because I’m like, you got food. You got clothes. You got shelter, and you rather be on the street than to live at home. But because he wanted to be himself, he would rather be there than to be in a house where there was shelter and protection,” she says. At one point, Adrianne says she did throw Santana out of her house for not abiding by her house rules.
In addition to learning how to respect one another, Adrianne has also worked to educate herself about the lived experiences of the LGBTQ+ community, such as by engaging with Santana’s friends and visiting an LGTBQ+ shelter in Baltimore.
“It’s a community that I’m learning more about now, and I think God has given them to me,” she says.
Spain includes many life lessons and turning points in her memoir that can be points of encouragement for people still in the thick of their own challenges. The new author wants people to take three key lessons away from the memoir:
“Don’t stay somewhere where you’re not wanted, be the overcomer in your story, and you can survive past trauma,” she says.
