The dancer said she called numerous rehabilitation centers, certain tWitch had quietly checked himself into one, before she began “shrieking” after police arrived at her home with devastating news.
Allison Holker is opening up about the moment she found out her husband, Stephen “tWitch” Boss, was dead.
In an excerpt from her new memoir titled This Far, which was obtained by People, Holker revealed the devastating moment police arrived at her door to tell her the news no wife wants to hear.
Holker explained she spent over 24 hours trying to locate Boss. The 36-year-old dancer thought her husband had checked himself into a treatment center; throughout their nine-year marriage, Holker said she and Boss had “very honest” communication about his marijuana use.
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She shared that she found a letter on Boss’ nightstand from two weeks prior. Per Holker, it was one “in which he made a commitment to wean himself off weed” and which he signed. She then filed a missing person report, stressing to the officer that she thought he was “hurt somewhere.”
However, she believed police had other theories about Boss’ whereabouts, as they allegedly questions regarding their relationship, adultery and if there was abuse in the home. The pair had just returned from a weekend celebrating their anniversary.
After security footage showed Boss heading into an Uber car with a black backpack, she said police then looked around the house and discovered an unlocked gun case with the gun missing. While Holker said she knew Boss had a gun — something she claims he purchased during COVID due to the increase in burglaries in their area — she had no explanation as to why it was gone.
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The mother-of-three then began calling recovery centers, though didn’t make much progress thanks to privacy laws. It wasn’t until she called the last recovery center the receptionist gave her a glimmer of hope saying; “Well, I’m not allowed to tell you if he is here, but if he was, would you want to leave him a message?”
After leaving Boss a message to remind him how much she loved him, she felt certain that was confirmation that he was okay and even began calling friends and family to calm their minds. After asking police to contact the center and confirm he was there, however, she said she heard sirens and a helicopter overhead.
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Holker noted about 20 minutes later, officers in her front yard were joined by a third officer and they all came to the door and asked her to sit down.
“He asked me to sit down, and my heart sank. They don’t ask you to sit unless what they’re about to tell you is very, very bad,” she recalled. “‘Your husband has been found,’ he said. ‘He’s not in rehab.’ He sat down at the kitchen table. I stayed where I was. ‘Your husband was found in a hotel. He was found by the maid. He shot himself'”
She didn’t believe him but the officer continued that he had left a letter, his ID and was identified by his tattoos.
“I raced down the hallway, shrieking. The sound that escaped from my throat was feral,” she continued. “I’d never heard the likes of it before. I collapsed onto the floor in a fetal position, where I would stay for several minutes, keening as one of our assistants held me tight.”
“Nothing made any sense. I was so scared. I felt so alone even as I was in another’s embrace. The world went black. The walls closed in on me until I thought I was going to suffocate,” the excerpt concludes. “Until that moment, I had never understood the phrase ‘It’s like the world stopped.’ That’s exactly how it felt: as if time froze. I literally couldn’t believe that Stephen was dead.”
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In her memoir, she also reveals she made a devastating drug discovery about her late husband shortly before his funeral.
Weeks after the Ellen DeGeneres Show co-executive producer and longtime DJ died by suicide at age 40 in December 2022, the dancer pro said she found a “cornucopia” of drugs — including mushrooms, pills and “other substances I had to look up on my phone” — hidden inside his shoeboxes inside their closet. You can read more on this story here.
This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light comes out Feb. 4 from Harper Select and is available for preorder now, wherever books are sold.
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or has had thoughts of harming themselves or taking their own life, get help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) provides 24/7, free, confidential support for people in distress.
