Adam Sandler Leaves People’s Choice Awards In Stitches With NSFW Speech About Sex Life And ‘Finger-Licking Desirability’

After a sweet tribute from Jennifer Aniston, Sandler accepted the People’s Icon Award — but gave an acceptance speech for People’s Sexiest Man Alive instead, referencing “fantasy role play sloppy time,” the size of his “pee pee” and his advice for “the ugly folk out there.”

The honor was presented to him by his Murder Mystery costar Jennifer Aniston, who praised her “very good friend, brother from another mother, extraordinary father, husband and one of the most loyal friends you could ever, ever have.”

After celebrating his work in both comedy and dramatic roles, she also brought up his concert tours, recent Mark Twain Award win and his penchant for always working with his friends.

When it came time for him to pick up his trophy, Sandler, however, started into a lengthy bit about how he thought he was being presented with People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. “So, I wrote a speech for that and I don’t have one prepared for the Icon thing. So I’m gonna do the speech I wrote,” he began.

“Hello ladies and gentlemen, my name is Adam Sandler and I am the Sexiest Man Alive, can I get a hell yeah?! To the People Magazine’s Academy of Hotness and Sexual Attractiveness, I would like to say thank you for recognizing me as the man who made our entire country the horniest this year,” he continued. “And was by far the most talked about person in the bedroom by couples, throuples or fantasy role play sloppy time. Can I get another hell yeah?!”

After saying it was “about friggin’ time” he was celebrated for his hotness, he said he’d been “waiting patiently on the sexy bench with his legs wide open, radiating sensuality, finger-licking desirability and a slight hint of man bulge, tastefully displayed for his, hers or theys pleasure.”

“Now that this award has finally been bestowed upon me, it will sit proudly on my night stand where it will witness many feats of romantic gymnastic performed gently on my fine as hell wife,” he said, as wife Jackie Sandler laughed in the audience. “[The trophy] will witness me pulling off the regular style, the weird noises style and of course, my speciality, the sorry about that, get you next time style.”

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As the speech went on, he also addressed why he always wears baggy clothes — joking that “Underneath my XX loose-fitting leisure wear is pure perfection.”

“Here are the highlights. My abs, don’t have any. My hip bones, under there somewhere. My belly button, lost that thing years ago,” he cracked. “My nipples, one pointing east, the other pointing south and a third pointing at anything that would dare to look at it. Lastly, my pee pee. On a Pinocchio scale, it is 6-12 lies long. Depending on wind chill or humidity.”

He closed out the faux Sexiest Man Alive speech by then bestowing some advice to the “ugly folk out there,” telling them to “embrace your chubbiness, lean into your goofiness and start hanging out with David Spade and Rob Schneider, so you can look handsomer and three feet taller than you really are.”

Finally, he got serious as he thanked his friends, costars, family, friends, in-laws and daughters — who he called his “best friends” — as well as his wife, calling her “my partner for life,” before adding, “I love every car ride and every kiss we’ve ever had, forever and ever my girl.”