A woman wants her her husband to quit his dream job because she’s starting to resent him and says it “isn’t fair” to her.
An anonymous woman says she can understand why her husband is “extremely upset” that she wants him to quit his dream job, but still thinks he should do it because she’s “starting to resent him.”
Unsure if she’s the problem in this situation, the woman turned to Reddit’s famous AITA (“Am I the A–hole”) forum to break down their story, and explain why it is that him finally getting to pursue his dream after years of hard work isn’t fair to her.
She didn’t do much to strengthen her argument in the comments, and in fact painted herself even further into a corner with most Redditors.
Read on to hear her story and how she (poorly) tries to defend it.
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The wife, 32, started off her story by sharing that she and her husband, 29, “live in an area with an extremely high cost of living.” She said her job “pays decently well” and that her husband for years worked a job “paid less than mine did, but was okay overall, though he absolutely hated working there.”
“Around October of last year, my husband managed to get a job in his dream career field. He had been working at it for years, and was really excited about finally getting there,” she wrote. Unfortunately, according to OP, “the pay in his field is abysmal.” She shared that he works as a freelancer with zero benefits, and it’s already “a pretty significant paycut from his old job.”
I sat him down recently and told him I felt he needed to quit his job
She went on to explain that they do not have combined finances, so they had to rearrange things after he took this new job. “Previously, he had covered a slightly larger percentage of the expenses due to me having student loans to pay off while he didn’t,” she wrote. “As it is now, I have to be the breadwinner since his income was basically halved, paying for a larger portion of the expenses.”
Here, then, is the heart of the issue for OP.
“I sat him down recently and told him I felt he needed to quit his job and find a better-paying field because it just wasn’t feasible,” she shared, adding that her husband immediately got upset, because “this is something he’s dreamed of for years and worked really hard to get, which I understand.”
The problem is that she also feels “this isn’t fair to me. We’ve had to cut back on a lot of things and there’s not really any sign of a pay increase at this point. I feel like I’m carrying him.”
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It was her she detailed the suggestions her husband made to try and help alleviate the situation. “He offered to get a part-time job on the side, but I know anything he could get that would be feasible for him while keeping his current job wouldn’t provide much,” she wrote.
“He suggested we move somewhere less expensive, to which I said absolutely not, since we’d have to go quite a ways to find something in that range and it’d mean ridiculously long commutes to my work and being further away from my family,” she added.
Then she shared his third suggestion, which also wouldn’t work for her: “He offered to have his parents help, which I don’t want because it’s not a long-term solution.”
OP even acknowledged the severity of her ask, writing, “He’s extremely upset, and I understand it, because I know he worked hard to get here. If he quit now, it’d basically kill his career and it would be extremely hard for him to get another shot at this job.”
I understand this is important to him but I’m starting to resent him
She even conceded, “It’s not like we’re struggling, which is true, we can pay rent and put food on the table, but I hate feeling like this.” She went on to explain, “I work long days at a rather difficult job, while he works from home doing something he did before as a hobby and only makes half as much money now.”
“My point is that it’s not like he has to stop doing what he does altogether, since as I mentioned, he did it as a hobby beforehand,” she continued, “but he’s upset because he said this is the only thing he’s ever wanted to do career-wise and giving it up now would mean he likely never would be able to make it work.”
While asking AITA, OP summed up her feelings about the whole thing by writing, “I understand this is important to him but I’m starting to resent him because I feel like the burden of our finances are being placed on me and we’ve had to cut back on a lot of things.”
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As one might expect, there were a lot of questions for OP, which she was only happy to answer — except for what it was exactly that her husband was now doing for a living, other than to say “it’s an artistic field in something he’s passionate in.” OP did say, “It’s a difficult field to break into,” while clarifying that he “gets paid a flat rate rather than based on how long he works.” As such, she said, he winds up working a lot of overtime, which would make it hard for him to pick up additional work on the side.
She also further explained why she pushed back on his suggestion to move, offering that “he works from home, but my job is based in our city and given I make most of the money, risking a move doesn’t seem like a [good] idea.”
He supported you and paid more than his half of the bills for FOUR YEARS at a job he hated
One of the sticking points working against OP was that statement in her story where she said her husband used to pay more of their household expenses to help her pay back her student loans, as he didn’t have any. One person suggested that she give him the same amount of time he paid the larger percentage of household expenses — which she said was four years — “and if his income doesn’t eventually improve then he needs to quit and get a job that pays more.”
Others were a bit more harsh. “Four years! Four years in a job he hates and you’ve made it,” commented one. “You’re 8 months in, not struggling by your own admission, and you’re ready to throw in the towel. Wow.”
“You haven’t even given him a minimum of a YEAR. As a spouse you should be his cheerleader, number one fan etc. not be so discouraging and demoralizing. There’s more to life than money,” wrote another. “Wouldn’t you want your spouse to be happy following his dream instead of miserable working a 9-5 job?”
OP shared in another comment that while their previous split was about 60/40 with her husband picking up most of the expenses, it’s now 70/30 with her doing that. But it did little to garner support. “You’re covering 70% of the expenses now and that’s a problem for you, but you were ok with him covering 60% of the expenses before? And he’s even willing to get a part-time job to do this but you’re also unsupportive of that?” asked one Redditor. “Do you actually love this man or do you love what he was doing for you?”
OP replied to this comment, “My issue is that I still have student loans to pay off on top of that.” She then said of his part-time job proposal, “It’s not that I’m unsupportive, it’s that I don’t think it’s feasible for how much his job requires.”
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But another commenter pushed back at her and said “not supportive” is exactly what she’s being. “He’s offered possible solutions, and you’ve shot every single one of them down – while making demeaning jabs at him and his dreams,” they wrote. “He supported you and paid more than his half of the bills for FOUR YEARS at a job he hated just so that you could pay off your student loans. THAT is what a supportive partner does.”
They then went in on OP, continuing, “What you’re doing is belittling him and trying to force him to give up his happiness for no reason other than you’re mad that suddenly he isn’t footing the majority of the bills. You’re selfish, insensitive, and a horrible partner.”
Another echoed this sentiment, writing, “So he paid 60% of the costs while making less than you, at a job he hated. Not just not being a fan of the work, but really hated. And you can’t even get yourself to pay more while making more. Come on OP…”
When asked to clarify a bit more about her own work, OP said she works 40 hours a week and while it’s not her dream job, she’s “fine with working it.” But this didn’t sit well with some commenters pointing out she’s said in her original story she worked “long hours at a rather difficult job.” One noted, “You’re working a standard 40. You’re not a martyr.”
You’re 8 months in, not struggling by your own admission, and you’re ready to throw in the towel
Several noted that the whole story would hit differently if their genders were reversed and it was her pursuing her dreams. “I have such disdain for women who act like it’s inappropriate for them to financially carry their husbands after their husbands did the same for them,” wrote one Redditor. “It’s a disgusting attitude. Men are expected to work to provide for their families. But when the man in the relationship wants to pursue another career path after burnout or feeling deeply unsatisfied in their current job they are expected to suck it up.”
Another tried to offer OP some advice, writing, “It looks like all the compromises here are going in one direction – he compromises by giving up his dream job because you don’t want to make any compromises as far as moving to a lower cost area, or getting a better-paying job yourself, or paying off all your own student loans, or agreeing to his getting an additional part time job, etc.”
“The sacrifice is his alone if he quits this job, and while you may no longer resent him, you can bet he’s going to resent you, maybe to the point of fracturing your marriage,” they continued. “Are you prepared to risk fracturing your marriage because the only option, as you see it, is for him to quit now that he’s gotten a foot in the door of his dream field? How much do you value your marriage? It’s a two way street.”
While the consensus was overwhelming that OP needs to back down — with one telling her, “If you kill the dream job he worked for so long to get, then you are going to crush him as a person. (If you even care.)” — one Redditor took the time to read through all of OP’s comments in the thread and came to an even harsher conclusion: “I think the husband needs to RUN AWAY and divorce her, there are way too many red flags.”
What do you think?
